Paul: Gaycondo Book Report…

…”Little Girl Lost” by Drew Barrymore and Todd Gold (1990)
little-girl-lost.jpg      Drew Barrymore hasn’t really been working much lately, but her story gives hope to other celebretard fuckups such as Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, and Lindsey Lohan. Back in the day she was completely out of control and did tons of crazy shit under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I guess on it’s own that sounds pretty cliche, the kicker is that she was only 13 years old when she hit bottom. Anyway, Drew was able to pick up the pieces and deal with the media (in part by writing this book.) She came out of her ordeal with better movie roles and more money than before. Unfortunately for stars like Britney, it seems her fame is contingent on her being a crazy mess – and crazy alone doesn’t pay the bills.

      On the whole I have to say that I don’t recommend this book, it’s tone is entirely self absorbed and it took me almost a junkie.jpgmonth and half to finish because I could only bring myself to pick it up when I was on the toilet. Still, there are a few juicy parts worth mentioning. After being released from rehab at 13 years old to film a movie in New York, she went out to a club (with her slacker-ass mom’s permission) and accidently fell off the wagon into a week long coke-fueled fiasco.

     While under the influence she told her mom she’d be going out for a few hours. Instead, she stole her mom’s credit card and bought plane tickets for herself and a friend to LA continuing on to Hawaii a few days later. While in LA they broke into her mom’s condo, drove around in her car, and did quite a bit of shopping. Her mom canceled the credit card and called the cops before they made it to Hawaii. After that it was back to rehab, but you’ve got to giver her credit for not holding back.

      You know that girl you were friends with in middle or high school who was always having the worst, all-out “I hate you, go fuck yourself” kind of fights with her mom? Well, Drew was that girl. She would go out and get plastered and call her mom up and say something like, “I don’t appreciate the way you’ve been treating me lately so I want you out of the house when I get home.” This was just because she didn’t want to have to deal with her mom when she came home drunk! And she was only about 12 years old! Eventually though the humor of if wears off and you don’t particularly care to delve any further into the psyche of a person who would talk to their mom that way.

     What really surprises me is the fact that she was able to get into clubs at the age of 9 or 10. She says that a lot of the time she would sneakily finish other people’s abandoned drinks to get drunk, but as she got a bit older a lot of these clubs would actually serve her. As a person who works in the service industry an underage celebrity would be the last person I’d want to serve. I know all this was going on 20 years a go but I can’t dakota-fanning.jpgimagine the risks were very different. If you let Dakota Fanning into your bar and served her drinks it would be all over TMZ in no time and you’d be finished.

      I know that there were paparazzo back in the late 80’s, but Drew never mentions them in her book – I guess they had the decency to leave her alone. I think the internet has made things much worse for celebrities. When Lindsey Lohan fell of the wagon an guzzled champagne the whole world knew about it in minutes, but I have scoured the internet for photos of Drew fucked up during her tween years and there’s simply nothing.

     The really annoying part of this book is the way it switches back and forth between Drew’s self-involved musings and narration by ghost-writer Todd Gold. Drew’s 3 hours a day of tutoring on movie sets may not have prepared her to win a Pullitzer, but she was perfectly capable of writing her own shitty biography. Still, you have to give her credit for going on to become one of the most powerful women in Hollywood.


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