This year has been a great year for music, art, fashion, film and definitely politics…all of which us gaycondo writers have detailed quite eloquently over the past 12 months.

However, like everything in life, there are a few things we have come across that are not welcome back in 2009…

Thanks, but no thanks!

5. Portland “Poster Child” Bands: You know who they are : local bands that have been repeatedly written about in the Portland local alternative weeklies (ie. The Builders and The Butchers, Starfucker, Nick Jaina, The Shaky Hands, etc)… I’ll tell ya, something fishy is going on when the same ole band gets written up every damn time they play – to the point of multiple notations in the same magazine! I get it: for some asinine reason people seem to think we should all equate these bands to “local indie king” status (where the hell are all the lady musicians, hmm?). Yeah, they may be good and put on a “hella” live show but there are tons of bands that rarely see ink on paper that totally deserve it (ie. Purple Rhinestone Eagle, Porchers, Felina’s Arrow, Slutty Hearts, Chores, Kusikia, Pink Widowers, Thee Headliners, just to name a few of many). What ever happened to the glory of the underdog?

beardyoungguy4. Beards on men under 30: Yeah, yeah….we are still in a war that rivals the stupidity of Viet Nam and have the psych-folk facial accessories to prove it! But seriously guys, save that scraggly unkempt hair mongle off your precious young face until you at least have written a novel or are too fucked up on bourbon to shave safely. Luckily for me, I’m a lesbian and don’t have to get the wrong kind of rug burn as we feverishly make out


3. The Bic Finger Mustache : I’m not exactly sure what the origin of this retarded fad is… but it’s never been cute and it’s never been funny. As Mr. T would say, “I pity the fool” who gets the finger-stache tattooed for all eternity.


2. Venues that RAPE bands of the door money : Dear venues that only have clientele as a result of live music and DJs,  Without said bands and DJs no one would come to your club!. Therefore, don’t fuck with the money the fans pay at the door to see their favorite band. Yeah, yeah…you need paid staff to run the door, sound, etc… So if you want to own a fucking venue without jousting your karma, pay the door person and sound person like a regular employee. Shouldn’t the door person be the venue’s responsibility to provide security for your club? Besides, musicians don’t get paid shit for their recorded work anymore, shouldn’t they get a little reimbursement for spending an hour of loading/unloading, setting up, performing, promoting and bringing a crowd to your venue and pretending to be grateful for the free PBR while their lushy friends drink up well drinks that cost $5 bucks a pop? What’s next? Will venues start billing the bands to cover the bartender’s wages?

80sdancenite1. 80’s dance nights: Mmkay folks… we are approaching nearly 30 years past the birth of a decade that never seems to go away… I remember being in high school (2000-2003) and hearing about 80’s dance nights.. I even attended a 1920’s themed New Years Eve party and between flapper girl inspired burlesque acts they were playing fucking Depeche Mode! WHEN WILL THE NOSTALGIA BE OVER FOR CHRISTSAKES?!



5. Republicans – This one goes without saying. I hate to say it, but in a way we owe George Bush our gratitude for completely destroying the grand old party. The Republicans have dug their own grave way than Democrats have won the country over. The last eight years are something nearly all of us would like to move past, and for that reason we can all be hopeful for a better future in 2009… And anything that might go wrong can easily be blamed on Bush and the Republicans. People are finally seeing the Republican Party for what it is – closed-minded, Southern, Fundamentalist, White-Supremacist, homophobic, and completely out of touch. All the more moderate and reasonable factions of the Party have jumped ship in the past few years.

mormon4. Mormons – I think that mormons have overstepped their boundaries a bit this year. Mitt Romney, that Twilight movie, Prop 8, the fucking Jonas Brothers… I don’t know if you’ve seen a list of mormon businesses to boycott, but it’s staggering how lengthy it is. I know I won’t be staying at any more Marriott Hotels, shopping at Albertson’s, or ordering any more lenses from 1-800-CONTACTS anymore.  They stirred this shit up and deserve whatever is coming to them… And if they want a fucking war with the gays, we’ll kick their magic underwear-clad asses anyday.



3. Closeted Celebs – Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta… Notice a pattern??? They’re all closet case fags, but they’re also all Scientologists. I don’t know why but the two seem to go hand in hand. I can understand wanting to fly under the radar 15 years ago, but it’s about to be 2000-effing-nine! And you aren’t fooling anyone! Take a hint from Clay Gayken and Michael Stipe, announcing your gayness on the cover of OK magazine garners a lot more attention than your so obviously contrived hetero-relationships.

2. Television – Let’s face it, the internet is slowly killing the television. I know a lot of people aren’t about to give up on tv, and some assholes are willing to spend thousands on a tv. Still, I really think as a form of media it’s on the outs. I would also like to include print media in that equation, but that would be painfully obvious. In this crap-tacular economy, frivolous expenses like the cable tv and newspaper subscription are the first to go. And who knows what’s going to happen with the impending digital switch. Cable used to be cool, back in the heyday of cable access. These days the costs just keep going up even as companies like Time Warner are nixing 19 Viacom channels, including Mtv, VH1, and Comedy Central.  Any show you want to watch can be found with minimal effort online, and you can watch it whenever you want with fewer or no commercials. Cable subscribers are total suckers.


trump1. Yuppie Douche-Bags  – In light of recent economic circumstances it conspicuous consumism just seems a bit inappropriated, doesn’t it? Paris Hilton just bought a $200,000 PINK Bentley. Doesn’t that make you just want to slap her??? I know I do. It seems like just recently everyone would shit their pants over $230 jeans, Hummers, and luxury condos (Gaycondo is in NE Portland, therefore doesn’t count). In 2009, that kind of shit is  sooooo over. If you are lucky enough to have money everyone is going to think you’re a fucking asshole if you flaunt it. Rich people are going to be increasingly villified, they’re the ones who got us into this whole mess anyway. If there is one thing we can be thankful for about this recession, it’s that the core issues and political focus has shifted from religion and “morality” to class and social justice. That and the sales are fucking kick ass right now.  


7 Responses to “GAYCONDO: 2008 THANKS BUT NO THANKS”

  1. 1 thehostess
    January 1, 2009 at 8:01 am

    Happy New Year and Happy Birthday Gaycondo! Love the lists…would like to add Robin Roberts to the list…please take your time in guessing which place to stick her. Still drunk from last night , I’m off to get my mustache tattooed-f*ck the finger though-I’m putting it right on my upper lip.

  2. 2 EM
    January 1, 2009 at 10:51 am

    now THAT sounds like it will catch on!

  3. 3 The Bearded Traveler
    January 5, 2009 at 7:14 am

    I’m going to bed, want to comment on the lists later, but
    for now,
    I have to say
    I’m specifically NOT listening to Starfucker until the papers
    stop demanding that I listen to Starfucker. I’ve heard one song
    by them. It was okay. OKAY. “Okay” defined as “not bad, not great.”
    But WW kept telling me it was great. Sorry, WW. It was not great.
    Also, one of the band members seemed aloof to me at a house show.

  4. 4 The Bearded Traveler
    January 6, 2009 at 2:55 am

    I have to say- I want to go to a 80s music night!

  5. 5 The Bearded Traveler
    January 6, 2009 at 2:57 am

    I don’t get a gay vibe from Will Smith-
    I get a very, very boring straight vibe
    (no offense to straight people; it is a
    boring CONTINGENT of straight that W. Smith
    seems to emblemize to ME…)

  6. 6 Leslie
    January 6, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Amen,Sister!!! ………you said it all!

  7. 7 Leslie
    January 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    BTW in regards to Paul’s #3- I once read (a few years ago) John Travolta saying that Scientology can “cure” homosexuality. I think that is the parallel- Hmmmm…

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