This morning, with unfortunate and awkward timing, I discovered that the house was completely out of toilet paper. After taking my second shower of the day, I decided to head to the grocery store an pick up some T.P. so Paul wouldn’t end up in a similar predicament.
While I was wandering the paper aisle of Freddy’s comparing the price-per-square-sheet tag for each brand, I noticed an older farmer-ish looking man in his mid 70’s staring at the only other person in the aisle with us. She was a overly trended babe who was about my age doing her best Bat For Lashes impersonation. You know the type: headbands over long black hair with gold lame American Apparel leggings, a feather necklace, leather members only jacket, etc. Out of the corner of my vision I secretly watched him as he watch her. I wasn’t sure if he was perving out or what, so I got a bit nervous when he actually took his hands off his cart and began walking over to her.
The fight or flight adrenaline I usually reserve for kicking out tweakers at my work started to kick in. I mean, I was sure this lady was capable of taking care of herself if an old man pinched her ass or something, but was at least prepared to be prepared to help out if she needed me.
She looked up from the roll of bounty in her hand just in time to find him standing directly in front of her. He stood there for a few seconds, and I could see her eyes shift from confusion to concern. She parted her lips, most likely about to tell him to back off, but before she could he spoke first.
“You must really like Cher.” He said calmly, before turning around and going back to his cart down the aisle.
How endearing I thought. What a cute, quirky, geriatric misunderstanding! That’s when I first realized he had begun laughing. Not a light chuckle mind you, but full volume hysterics. Through his teary eyes, and to no one in particular, he blurted out “Young people look so stupid now!”
The woman’s jaw dropped in shock and humility, but it didn’t matter because by that point the old man had turned the corner, already headed into whatever aisle lay before him.