So I have spent the past year or so being really mean to adults but also children who are into this “Twilight” business. But especially adults–you should know better! And this is coming from someone who eats candy for breakfast and sleeps on bedsheets with hot pink butterflies on them. My standards are not very high. And I am not taking that part back AT ALL–people who have actually had sex ever in their lives and are also old enough to rent a car should know better than to buy into weird Mormon-y promise ring werewolf nonsense that only makes sense to people who haven’t gotten their periods for the first time yet. And also now I have to look at that Kristen Stewart girl’s weird dead eyes on the cover of celebrity tabloids every time I go to the check out at the grocery store because “Twilight” made her a celebrity. That’s a gross-ery store to me now (ha)! But I guess I AM taking back the part where I made fun of everybody for having rape-play fantasies about vampires. Because I have been watching the tv show “True Blood” lately, and it turns out that I, like every man, woman, and child in America right now, also want to engage in weird fetish roleplay with the sexy undead.
Oh my god, people, “True Blood” is just pornography! EXCELLENT pornography! It is “Twilight” for fully grown sexually active adults who want to see a lot of boobs and butts and graphic depictions of “doing it” rather than hear about sparkles and the virtues of teen marriage, maybe. There was this part on “True Blood” where Anna Paquin, who plays delightful non-vampire cocktail waitress Sookie Stackhouse, gets buck-ass naked and does it with Bill, the gentleman vampire, and then there is some weird bloody neck biting, and I must say, I was so profoundly embarassed by the lady boner that I got from this, even though I was in my room by myself and the door was closed and I also had headphones on so that no one could know I was watching a tv show about sexy vampires and make fun of me. Oh my god, am I really saying this on the internet? The internet is forever, people. Someone is going to use this blog post to deny me a job when I am 70 years old.
But anyway, I like “True Blood” for having the balls to just basically be a tv show about wild sex with vampires, with a mystery tacked on. In “Twilight” and on “Buffy”, girls who are virgins decide to have sex with a vampire and it is like really heavy and this huge decision that is like the most important thing in your life and has horrible, terrifying ramifications and blah blah blah. I mean, I love “Buffy” a lot but I think that’s kind of forcing a really specific way of looking at girls’ virginity down girls’ throats! In “True Blood”, a girl who is a virgin decides to have sex with a vampire and oops she has a really good time and he seems like a pretty good boyfriend! Her only problems come from other people being a-holes about it. Whatever, I mean, I am only in the first season, so I guess stuff could go wrong and I could stop liking this show, but as of right now, I really appreciate this show for just being what it is (bodice-ripping paranormal porno) and not trying to appear more legitimate through the use of vampire sex as some kind of really heated and meaningful metaphor. Sometimes a vampire boner really is just a vampire boner, people.