Ok, ok, I know. I know I really dropped the ball on that whole Halloween thing. Because you know what? It turns out that when you watch a horror movie every day for a week, things happen like you hear a noise while you are showering with no one else in the house, and then you spend an hour sort of locked in the bathroom waiting for your roommates to come home, just on the off, off, off chance that, I don’t know, maybe that noise was the sound ax murderers make! When they are getting ready to start their ax murdering! you know! Also, I have recently gotten hella sick and then also had some…”personal stuff” that may have made me want to “lie down for days on end watching whatever is on Netflix watch-now and eating an entire thing of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish at a single sitting, but in a really overdramatic and self-pityingly childish way, like not like anyone died or I lost my house or anything.”
Anyway, I *do* want to quickly recommend a bloody but smart horror movie called “Severance”, a mesmerizing 80s pastiche horror movie called “House of the Devil” (though angry horror movie purists like me will get angry over the last few minutes of the film) and an amazing D movie (maybe even an E movie? does that exist?) called “Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus,” which stars a growed-up Debbie Gibson, and also Lorenzo Lamas and a few other guys. Let’s talk more about “Megashark”, shall we?
Debbie Gibson is the sexiest oceanologist in the world, even though she can’t tell a squid from an octopus just by looking. It happens! Sometimes I mean to pick up a book but I pick up a peanut butter sandwich because they are roughly the same size and shape! I enjoyed this movie so much, oh my god. Not to go on too much, but if you enjoy so-bad-its-good at all, you need to see this so hard. It is obviously bad on purpose, so if you’re a purist about that kind of thing, don’t see it, but otherwise, totally totally see it.
Plot: The megashark and the giant octopus of the title are frozen in an ice cap, which melts because of global warming (TOPICAL!), and then they just fight each other all over the oceans of the world because it is what they are made to do by evolution? (TOPICAL?). Debbie Gibson and some other guys who mostly all die have to chase it around in a little submarine and something something. But don’t worry, the world is saved! Oh wait, IS IT? This movie is just fucking fantastic.
Also, you’d think being frozen for a bazillion years, this shark would be hungry for food, right? WRONG! Oh man, don’t you ever get tired of being wrong? He is hungry for STEEL, and I do not think I am spoilering anything by saying he jumps up and bites a descending plane out of the sky (also because I included this clip at the top of the page), and oh, he also EATS A CHUNK OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. I mean, that isn’t a spoiler, that’s basically the whole plot. The octopus doesn’t seem to be hungry, maybe because the people who wrote this movie are not totally sure how an octopus eats. So, to conclude this blog post, I basically cannot recommend this movie enough.
Ok, here is the other best part, in case you don’t wanna rent it: