hey everybody! I have finally returned from my annual early winter nervous breakdown–I usually like to wind down the stressful Christmas season in a posh Austrian insane asylum, and this year was no different! Oh my god, the croissants in that place!* But anyway, I wanted to talk to you, gentle readers, about two things;
1. Every time I fold my laundry after washing it, I find these wee little socks–like, teensy, barely-ankle-high socks. I know I would never buy such socks, so does that mean someone is giving them to me? They always look kind of worn, so are people giving me their old, slightly worn teensy socks, and I am taking them because my life is that much of a shambles, that I would take such sock? Or, worse, am I doing something like stealing these socks when I am, say, drunk and have spilled a tumbler full of vodka and Sprite Zero on my feet at a house party? A chilling thought. And yet, I end up wearing them, because I could always use some socks. The phrase “I could always use some socks” is both a true statement and a sad statement about my life.
2. Paula Abdul! I know there is/ was/ has been some kind of recent cultural conversation about her because she has been a judge on American Idol for the past 40 years, and I guess she acts koo-koo bananas on that show or whatever, which is basically who cares, but is also totally who cares because she was always insane! I had the urge to listen to her late 80s-ish ballad “Rush, Rush” today, which I used to listen to in the second grade and imagine that it would be playing someday while I very romantically lost my virginity to one of the guys from the New Mickey Mouse Club in a room full of candles. Anyway, I watched the video, and its batshit insane:
I know she doesn’t direct her videos, but I assume she okay’d them, right? I mean, she agreed to be in them. She was like “Something in this song calls for me to act out scenes from ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ with Keanu Reeves for no reason at a cost of I’m sure millions of dollars for all those flying helicopter shots and stuff!” I mean, I do realize this was the era of “November Rain” and all, but still. Also, she looks very pretty in this video but also at least 28, you know?
Also, not to beat a dead horse, but:
Isn’t the day you realize what it really, truly means for an adult, human female to be singing a song about not just fucking, BUT BEING LIFE PARTNERS WITH A CARTOON CAT, the day your youth truly ends? It is probably one thing to do such a thing in private, but quite another to celebrate it in song.
I never realized this video was about how this dancing is the most erotic thing ever, and is blowing the minds of squares. I used to listen to this song incessantly as a kid, and I remember my parents hearing it, listening to the part where she says “all the world’s a candy store, he’s been trick-or-treating” and then laughing and telling me those were “the dumbest lyrics ever.” I like the Ubby-Dubby-style double-talk breakdown in the middle, forgot about that. Also, directed by David Fincher.
Anyway, even though her videos were wacky, she had something, and I would be lying to you if I didn’t say that part of me is depressed that when you put “paula abdul” into youtube, the like third or fourth thing that comes up is “drunk” or “farts on simon cowell.” Sigh. Oh, well.
* I was not really in an Austrian insane asylum, I was just being lazy. I am sorry that I lied to you like that.